Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
