Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
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I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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