This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think my moral compass just broke
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
