awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
