I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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