I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
