I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
