I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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