Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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