Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You need a sexual gate keeper
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
