# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Randomize
