How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
