Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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