Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
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Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole