it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
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I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
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Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?