Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
