Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
