her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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