his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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