I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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