I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
