We're like a lot better than the average bears
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
