So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
