well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
