I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
