Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
