Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
