New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
