Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
