My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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