Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
