someone owes me an orgasm
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
