Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
