you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
