My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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