I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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