I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
