dude i'm inner monologue high
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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