Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
