im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
