We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
