My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
