Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
