Just fell off a train. Bad.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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