I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
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