God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
