matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
