Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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