he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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