I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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