I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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