you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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