I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
