I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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